Quantum Qorner:
The Science of Tomorrow Applied Today

Alcohol Induced Teleportation Part II: Stuck in the Quantum Tunnel

Special Report by Science Editor Round A.Bout

(Article reprinted from The Grey Town Gazette December 2010 Issue)
Floris Garden, Brussels, Sat Dec 11th:

Beam me up Scotty!

Preliminary experiments in September had produced enticing early evidence that spicy tomato juice might be the vital ingredient needed to facilitate that Holy Grail of quantum science: controlled Alcohol Induced Teleportation

To test the theory a special team of experts was assembled from across the globe and the group descended on the Testing Range at Floris Tequila, Brussels to conduct the experiment. Your correspondent was flattered and privileged to be invited to participate. (more…)

Double Trouble: Unintended Consequences

Quantum Qorner:
The Science of Tomorrow Applied Today

Good Allan, Bad Allan – The Enemy Within

Absinthe Teleportation Experiment creates bizarre result

Calculation error results in Double Trouble

Special Report by Science Editor Round A.Bout

(Article reprinted from The Grey Town Gazette November 2010 Issue)

Floris Garden, Brussels, Sat Sept 4th:

An adventurous experiment in Alcohol Induced Teleportation(AIT) resulted in a bizarre outcome this weekend. Renowned bon vivant and part time quantum scientist Allan Carter bravely used himself as a human guinea pig in his quest to push the boundaries of man’s understanding of alcohol-quantum phenomena by being the first person to try to attempt a controlled absinthe-induced point-to-point teleport.

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Inspired by the recently formed Carbon Trading Markets, that allow the worlds polluters to buy carbon credits from forest growing countries, I am proposing to create a derivative market in Green Tea Credits.

Green tea is rich in anti-oxidants and, it is said, helps purge the body of the toxins left after consuming too much alcohol. Unfortunately it tastes disgusting. But, some people like it. Its very similar to the way in which some people like modern lifestyles, with cars, TVs, factories, power stations, etc, whilst others are happy to live in mud huts and hug trees.

This is the basis for a potentially symbiotic relationship between alcohol drinkers and green tea drinkers. The Green Tea Credits Market (GRETEC) will enable alcohol drinkers to purchase Green Tea Credits from green tea drinkers, thus allowing them to mitigate their boozing without going through the inconvenience of actually drinking green tea.

Since the benefits of green tea drinking are probably purely in the mind, there’s no reason why this approach shouldn’t work just as well for the credit buyers, so long as they truly believe in the benefits.

Longer term, because the people who hug trees are probably also the people who like green tea it is not inconceivable that the Carbon Trading Markets and GRETEC could merge into one unified market so that enlightened consumers can live a life of unabated luxury, get pissed, be healthy, and save the planet all at the same time.

R.A.B.

Quantum Qorner:
The Science of Tomorrow Applied Today

DT = t / ( 15v * square(AI))

Drink Induced Time Dilation Effect
– or, the bits missing from Einstein’s General Relativity

Sorry to start talking quantum mechanics before we’ve even started drinking (although this inversion of cause and effect could in itself be proof that serious drinking is definitely going to happen), but I’ve been pondering the subject of how time becomes increasingly compressed in proportion to the volume of alcohol consumed.

I shan’t bore you with my highly scientific analysis, but here are my conclusions:

1. Start drinking as soon as you can, because you will almost certainly run out of time later (although it has been known for the bar to run out of stock first, but that’s a different problem…)

2. The reason you can’t remember anything about the evening after a certain time is that after a certain volume the evening ceases to exist.

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