Stuck in the Quantum Tunnel

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Dec 12th, 2010
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Quantum Qorner:
The Science of Tomorrow Applied Today

Alcohol Induced Teleportation Part II: Stuck in the Quantum Tunnel

Special Report by Science Editor Round A.Bout

(Article reprinted from The Grey Town Gazette December 2010 Issue)
Floris Garden, Brussels, Sat Dec 11th:

Beam me up Scotty!

Preliminary experiments in September had produced enticing early evidence that spicy tomato juice might be the vital ingredient needed to facilitate that Holy Grail of quantum science: controlled Alcohol Induced Teleportation

To test the theory a special team of experts was assembled from across the globe and the group descended on the Testing Range at Floris Tequila, Brussels to conduct the experiment. Your correspondent was flattered and privileged to be invited to participate.

Sadly the results were not at all as expected. Despite copious quantities of Tequila, pushing their bodies to and beyond the limit nobody was able to initiate a teleport, controlled or otherwise.

Sometimes gravity is too strong. It’s only a small bar, but as any astrophysicist will tell you: when it comes to pulling power, size isn’t everything. But even when factoring in the compelling environment, it still wasn’t sufficient to explain the failure to teleport.

With the benefit of hindsight doubling up on the tomato juice was probably the key mistake. It moderated the effect of the Tequila to the point that there was insufficient energy to take any of the assembled Drink Pilots over the Drink Horizon and into the Quantum Slipstream. The frustrating equilibrium was not broken until finally the bar ran out of the special spicy tomato juice and substituted the normal bland stuff. At that moment I (for my part) experienced an immediate random Type 3 Jump directly back to my hotel room.

When I awoke the room wasn’t spinning, but I was. A sure sign of an unpiloted landing and proof that relativity can work both ways.

Quantum Physicists are a persevering bunch and it’s only a matter of time before this experiment is repeated (perhaps with a little less of the Tabasco) and rest assured the GTG will be there to record the results.


(note: spurious italics in this article have been deleted by the site moderator)