"Tell Me a Story About Chuck Norris."

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Sep 9th, 2010
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We’ve just returned from another successful World Drinking Tour Excursion, and while I’m sure there is much more to write about the entire experience I felt it important to get this one little detail down as quickly as possible.

Skippy and I were at the Delerium Café enjoying a beverage or two at an outside table in the alley. There were several empty chairs around us and, as often happens, random strangers would plop down at the table, exchange pleasantries, and then move on. But one gentleman in a particular seemed to be on a mission.He was from Switzerland, but that’s not his fault. We didn’t get his name, or if we did, it was something like Wicky, or Zubriggen or Donders … but no matter. We’ll call him Montreaux (Monty for short).

Monty plopped into a chair across from us and introduced himself. We did the same. Everyone was smiles and sunshine and drunkeness and laughter. But then, Monty turned serious.”Tell me a story about Chuck Norris.” he said to me, his eyes filled with a strange longing.

“What?” I replied … as you will.”Tell me a story about Chuck Norris.” he repeated.I was momentarily taken aback.What to do? But, the longing in his eyes to hear about Chuck Norris, combined with the fact that I was six mojitos towards the promise land, made the decison all too easy.

Here is the story I told:

Chuck Norris is in a bar getting wasted. As he sits at the bar, he pukes down the front of his shirt. Immediately he breaks out into tears sobbing “My wife is going to leave me. I’m just a miserable old drunk and now I’m going to die alone”.

The bartender turns to him and says “It’s not that bad. You can get out of this. Take a $10 bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When you get home, tell Mrs. Norris that you had a couple beers and a guy at the bar puked on you. Tell her that he gave you the $10 to pay for the shirt.”

Chuck Norris looks disbelievingly at him and says “That just might work. Thank you.”

Chuck goes straight home. When he walks through the front door, his wife is waiting for him and she is irate. She takes one look at him and screams “I can’t believe it. You’re drunk. I warned you but you just don’t care. I’m moving out.”

Chuck says, “Stop honey. Let me explain. True I did have a couple beers but I’m not drunk.”
She says “Look at you! You puked down the front of your shirt.”

Chuck Norris says “I didn’t do this. A drunk guy next to me puked on me. He put a $10 bill in my shirt pocket to pay for the cleaning. You can see for yourself.”

Chuck’s wife reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money. She looks at it, then to him and says “This is a $20 bill?”

Chuck Norris looks at her and says “Oh I forgot. He shit in my pants too”.

Monty seemed satisfied. he nodded knowingly, shook our hands and then stumbled away into the night. It’s a shame he left so soon. I was hoping he would tell me a story about Renée Zellweger.


Editor’s Addendum:  Enjoy this video recreation from the next evening …